Forgive Me

Attitude of the perfect, But I’m really a reject

Make constant mistakes, Suffer every heartache

Fall in love too quick, Though my heart condition's arctic

And it scares me, So either I flee

Or I push you away, Hoping you’ll stay

I get jealous, While feigning freeness

Too sensitive, So I act passive

Like I don’t care, Or I’m not even aware

Still I’m seen as the wise one, The brave one

That’s my vice, Friends come to me for advice

Say "I respect you, Tell me what should I do"

When its not you, Life’s clear and i give it to them true

They don’t argue, Instead leave me feeling that they learnt something new

They don’t thank for my time, And that’s a goddamn crime

Because I’m still left lonely, My blue eyes blurry

See I have to admit, I’m a bit of hypocrite

Like that bastard i hate, My fathers gift to me- his trait

I tell them live for the day, Leave your scars with yesterday

No regrets, Forgive and forget

Don’t worry about pain, It’ll sting just the same

Wait till you get hurt, Before you bury your head in the dirt

Words of wisdom, But in my own life I’m dumb

Afraid of getting left on the shelf, I always check myself

Actions I think and re-think, My desires I shrink

Because I find it too daunting, To let you know what I’m wanting

I never Just Do I only react, Any emotions revealed I quickly retract

Just backtrack, Until I know I've put my mask back

Expect every first move from you, Just repeat and add ‘too’

For my own security, I want your vulnerability

While I stay safe in my shell, My own private hell

Confined high in my tower, Make believe that’s where I’ve got power

Built on unrealistic ideals, I blame a life of upsetting ordeals

Double standards, When I don’t get my own way I only spiral downwards

Screaming inside when I get burnt, Somehow I still haven’t learnt

To live and let live, Selfish motives I just can’t deal with

Smiles I too easily believe, So I’m constantly deceived

I ask you to be honest, Because I’ll always believe the best

So I’m often disappointed, My careful plans left discarded

That’s why my feelings I disguise, Because I’ll need somewhere to hide

If you ever do lie, I’ll never let you see me cry

Everything feels too real to me, And I cant handle the insecurity

So I keep myself composed, Never let my self control go

Follow you with hopeful eyes, Expecting nothing inside

That way when you do leave my side, It wont be as much of a shocking surprise

Conscious of all these flaws, I'll understand if you’re craving distant shores
The blame won't be on you, In fact you're abandon is well overdue

Away from me there’s got to be, An easier girl to keep happy.

Charlotte Gardiner - February 2011