Phoenix

Maybe its the sunshine
going to my head
Or maybe I've spent too much time
laid upon my bed
But I feel within myself
that urge to live again
Yes I feel rising up inside
that phoenix from her den
Those forgotten desires and aspirations
once more my mind is alive
Formulating plans and new situations
its time once more to learn and grow
Mistakes from the past left to rest
yes its time to heal and know
That from this twisted fate
from the ashes of its ruin
A greater being can arise
a wiser human can begin






Charlotte Gardiner - September 2010

Through the Eyes of Angels

 I watch you from a far

My baby, My child

I’ve watched all your life

With joy in my eyes

And pride in my heart

I was closer before

But now I can see more

I see your struggles

Watch you bear disappointments

Your heartaches

I feel every tear

That rolls from your hopeful eyes

I witness your strength

It comforts my lingering soul

Though I am no longer

You cannot feel my embrace

I strive to surround you with warmth

My heart is your happiness

I am with you as you travel

Guiding you with signs

Willing you forward

Wishing your success

From my quiet observation

Through these eyes now opened

Newly aware of your beauty

You shine brighter and clearer

Than any stars I may sit among

The moment that you find it

Your special place in the world

I will know my life

Was worth your journey

Until that day

I watch you from a far

My baby, My child

Charlotte Gardiner - December 2010

Love Is Suffering

Your heart was so warm

I felt its light as I slept

Next to me you laid quiet

I heard your breathing

A smile passes my lips

As I remember your kisses

Your arms held me close

I felt secure in your embrace

Our time was short

And our parting swift

You walked me to the station

Where we shared our last kiss

The distance between us greatened

And I watched the world fly by

Thought about the love we’d found

Why we had to say Goodbye

A conflict of emotions

Confronted me that day

Although I longed to stay

I knew our love would remain

Despite the time

Despite the distance

Beyond the boundaries

Past the religion

A lesson in life was learnt

That day our hearts met

My promise to you my love

I will never forget

Charlotte Gardiner - October 2010

He Is

 He is everything to me

 The absolute embodiment of all my dreams come true

 A heart burning with raw energy

 and a passion for life

 Its the fire inside him I find so addictive

 It is that fire I now know as a need

His mind is clear and sharp

So affectionate and so cold in one moment

 A walking paradox of moods

 When he loves you, wants you

 there is nothing to be done 

only succumb to his desire

So sure of himself

so steady is his belief in his own capability

 This assurance is infectious

 For where I used to believe in God,

 now I believe in him.

 I wake up with his name on my lips

 and I go to sleep longing for his touch

 Even in my dreams I do not escape

 For in my subconscious we are together

 Perfectly together.

His whole world fascinates me

 a world full of dreams

 passions, loves and deceptions

 Yet he feels no regret

 he is untouched by guilt

 Unmoved by the pain in my heart through his rejection

I cannot hope to comprehend his reasonings

 his emotions, his logic

 Instead of repelling me as I wish it would

 it only intensifies my admiration

my obsession for his enigmatic character

 He is not as simple or as complicated as he sounds

 He is just - him.

 A beautiful mystery, a lost soul

 He seeks complete devotion from the hearts of many

 and yet is satisfied with none

 His fate I do not know

 I pray that he might be lonely

 so that he might feel the loss of my heart in his life

 however I know it will not be so

 he is somehow above such weaknesses

 A calculating machine

 I crave his attention, good or bad

 Hate myself for consciously becoming so helpless to his power

 but still I want more

 He will never be owned by one woman

 I know that, he cannot be owned

Only in my dreams he is mine

 and if I could, I would sleep forever

Charlotte Gardiner - October 2010

A Long Way Home

I lay for a long time 
The grass and earth moist beneath me 
My thoughts scamper this way and that 
Like the families of field mice hiding somewhere near 
I keep my eyes tight shut 
As I can feel the sun’s warmth fading 
For though I know it will, I don’t want to see it disappear 
My joints are becoming stiff and achy 
And I wiggle my fingers only to discover they are numb 
But still I don’t move 
My mind freezes too and pushes forward my most worrying thought 
How did I get here? 
The question echoes in the silence of creation all around me 

Once upon a time I was surrounded by familiarity 
For one brief moment my eyes came off the path 
A few thoughtless wrong turns and here I am 
Lying cold on the ground 
Like a stray animal with no home of its own 
I shiver and pull my arms around myself to retain warmth 
Though I keep my eyes closed I feel the sky darken 
And the setting sun reminds me of a feeling I once knew 
Of the steadily falling passion within myself 
Once I was bright and my heart burned with promise 
Now in the cold and harsh light of reality 
I see what it is to suffer, to be alone 
To have lost what I was most afraid of losing 
Has left an echoing hollowness in my heart 

However the nearness of sunset proclaims action in my bones 
And suddenly I open my eyes and stand up 
Inside me hope lightens my soul and I know I am not too late 
To find again the path from which I so carelessly strayed 
With the last of the sunlight behind me I gaze around 
And my breath catches in my throat 
For in the distance, far across the fields 
I see a crowd of people walking a path 
And an eagerness to join them rises inside of me 
A desire to fill this void with a higher purpose 
Although I know this journey will be long 
Finally I will not be so alone, and I will be moving forwards 
And every step will be a step nearer to that which I crave 
For one day, whether soon or distant 
I know I will reach my home again






Charlotte Gardiner - February 2010

A Hopeful Tear

i think about you now 

i linger on your goodness 

the memory of your heart 

the pain you feel no more 

im grateful you can rest now 

still the day that you awake 

remains the only one i live for 

i know every hour brings us closer 

yet selfishly i plead with the heavens 

for just one minute in your company 

i'd give a thousand more 

the pain of life without you deepens 

and burrows deep within my soul 

in its wake leaving emptyness 

a loney hollow behind my eyes 

further from the surface it crawls 

and far within my cries intensify 

hearing your name 

creates a tightness in my chest 

the memory of your words 

slice sharply to my core 

i struggle with the contradiction 

numbness and agony in one breath 

for some little comfort 

through those endless nights 

my echoing thoughts take over 

tearfully i think of things i'll say to you 

when we're together finally 

but mundane words just seem so foolish 

when smiling, i could hold you silently 

and spend forever tight within your arms 

always your daughter 

you'll be my mother once again

Charlotte Gardiner - January 2010

Shadow

I feel death’s hand 

Tighten on my shoulder 

Realise the pressure 

Remember how I smiled 

Let light through the darkness 

The grip tightens 

And with it floods pain 

The hollow heaviness 

That leaves its mark 

Bruises beneath my eyes 

Then with it the guilt 

In a ripple of regret 

So over-powering 

That I wish it were my death 

But once touched by that hand 

It never loses its grip 

The chill remains 

In the absence of love 

Holds me in this wasteland 

Of pity and loathing 

Of wishing and needing 

A place where helplessness 

Is the air you’re breathing 

Too slowly suffocating 

As life drains away 

Pulled through those fingers of death 

And the enclosing world 

Begins to fade in colour 

Becomes a shade that mourns black 

Sometimes I wish I could cry 

But shedding tears won’t end this 

There was never a beginning 

Still this middle seems endless 

So here I must stay 

Held in this darkness 

With this shadow behind me 

Its owner and mine 

Death’s hand on my shoulder 

Charlotte Gardiner - February 2010

Black Hole

Standing here 
As my world whirls around me 
I see colours 
As everything blurs 
I circle 
Unable to move forward 
Reach out to catch a passing picture 
It slips through my fingers 
Another end to a scene 
That never really began 
I crave calm 
One reliable factor 
But the spinning never stops 
I close my eyes 
And the colours I was seeing 
Turn to noises I can’t shut out 
Memories prick my eyelids 
Until I reopen my eyes 
To find nothing 
My world is no longer turning 
It has gone 
Abandoned me to my own 
Miserable existence 
I’m left stood in this void 
The sudden silence fills my ears 
Screaming the truth 
I kept away the lonely for so long 
Now it surrounds me 
Confronted by this empty 
An ugly shade I’d never seen 
Standing here 
Amidst the quiet I’d always craved 
Looking down 
Shattered fragments of a life 
I never claimed as my own 
I beg You to take it back 
Reclaim this broken spirit 
That I may surrender 
Give in to this engulfing pain 
Fall under this heavy darkness 
Disappear into this encroaching 
Black hole






Charlotte Gardiner - February 2010

Endlessness Is Driving Through The Rain Alone

Quandaries circle above my mind 

Like eagles watching over swimming prey 

Making decisions whilst moving forward 

I watch the rain fall down 

See the road gradually drowning 

Pavements overflowing and spilling 

They create a rippling mirror 

The reflection of street lights 

Reminds me of hope above the surface 

Out of reach but ever teasing 

A promise of fonder days 

Of belonging and owning 

A chance to take a breath 

Without the fear of going under 

The wheels under me continue spinning 

Undeterred by this onslaught of precipitation 

I let memories guide me in advancing 

Falling raindrops blur my vision 

And for a while I slow down 

Frustration takes hold 

Knowing this will lengthen my journey 

The road ahead is still unclear 

But I push onward creating waves 

Cold water splashing up around me 

I fight against the undercurrent 

Eager to reach my destination 

To rejoin the family I long for 

Somewhere further along the road 

For that calm oasis I will endure 

Ignore the heavens spitting down on me 

And view this deluge instead 

As nothing more than liquid sunshine 

Charlotte Gardiner - January 2010