Forgive Me

Attitude of the perfect, But I’m really a reject

Make constant mistakes, Suffer every heartache

Fall in love too quick, Though my heart condition's arctic

And it scares me, So either I flee

Or I push you away, Hoping you’ll stay

I get jealous, While feigning freeness

Too sensitive, So I act passive

Like I don’t care, Or I’m not even aware

Still I’m seen as the wise one, The brave one

That’s my vice, Friends come to me for advice

Say "I respect you, Tell me what should I do"

When its not you, Life’s clear and i give it to them true

They don’t argue, Instead leave me feeling that they learnt something new

They don’t thank for my time, And that’s a goddamn crime

Because I’m still left lonely, My blue eyes blurry

See I have to admit, I’m a bit of hypocrite

Like that bastard i hate, My fathers gift to me- his trait

I tell them live for the day, Leave your scars with yesterday

No regrets, Forgive and forget

Don’t worry about pain, It’ll sting just the same

Wait till you get hurt, Before you bury your head in the dirt

Words of wisdom, But in my own life I’m dumb

Afraid of getting left on the shelf, I always check myself

Actions I think and re-think, My desires I shrink

Because I find it too daunting, To let you know what I’m wanting

I never Just Do I only react, Any emotions revealed I quickly retract

Just backtrack, Until I know I've put my mask back

Expect every first move from you, Just repeat and add ‘too’

For my own security, I want your vulnerability

While I stay safe in my shell, My own private hell

Confined high in my tower, Make believe that’s where I’ve got power

Built on unrealistic ideals, I blame a life of upsetting ordeals

Double standards, When I don’t get my own way I only spiral downwards

Screaming inside when I get burnt, Somehow I still haven’t learnt

To live and let live, Selfish motives I just can’t deal with

Smiles I too easily believe, So I’m constantly deceived

I ask you to be honest, Because I’ll always believe the best

So I’m often disappointed, My careful plans left discarded

That’s why my feelings I disguise, Because I’ll need somewhere to hide

If you ever do lie, I’ll never let you see me cry

Everything feels too real to me, And I cant handle the insecurity

So I keep myself composed, Never let my self control go

Follow you with hopeful eyes, Expecting nothing inside

That way when you do leave my side, It wont be as much of a shocking surprise

Conscious of all these flaws, I'll understand if you’re craving distant shores
The blame won't be on you, In fact you're abandon is well overdue

Away from me there’s got to be, An easier girl to keep happy.

Charlotte Gardiner - February 2011

Charcoal

When u take your love away

I live in the shadows

Of the memories made

Burning hope

Leaves the darkest scar

You keep my heart on edge

Wishing every day

Is the day you turn around

Bring the colours back

They fade with every step you take

Dullness begins its suffocation

The light you hold

You once brought into my life

My hopes and dreams

In your hands

With them you’re walking

Closer to my horizon

Nearly out of sight

I just watch you go

Silent tears in my eyes

My pride holds my voice

Choking on words unsaid

The sun sets again

Your silhouette grows smaller

Too soon graduates to nothing

All you leave me, a dark vacancy

And a starless sky of grey blues

Cold on my lips

The words I waited to hear you say

But you’re gone now

So I whisper goodbye

Charlotte Gardiner - February 2011

Phoenix

Maybe its the sunshine
going to my head
Or maybe I've spent too much time
laid upon my bed
But I feel within myself
that urge to live again
Yes I feel rising up inside
that phoenix from her den
Those forgotten desires and aspirations
once more my mind is alive
Formulating plans and new situations
its time once more to learn and grow
Mistakes from the past left to rest
yes its time to heal and know
That from this twisted fate
from the ashes of its ruin
A greater being can arise
a wiser human can begin






Charlotte Gardiner - September 2010

Through the Eyes of Angels

 I watch you from a far

My baby, My child

I’ve watched all your life

With joy in my eyes

And pride in my heart

I was closer before

But now I can see more

I see your struggles

Watch you bear disappointments

Your heartaches

I feel every tear

That rolls from your hopeful eyes

I witness your strength

It comforts my lingering soul

Though I am no longer

You cannot feel my embrace

I strive to surround you with warmth

My heart is your happiness

I am with you as you travel

Guiding you with signs

Willing you forward

Wishing your success

From my quiet observation

Through these eyes now opened

Newly aware of your beauty

You shine brighter and clearer

Than any stars I may sit among

The moment that you find it

Your special place in the world

I will know my life

Was worth your journey

Until that day

I watch you from a far

My baby, My child

Charlotte Gardiner - December 2010

Love Is Suffering

Your heart was so warm

I felt its light as I slept

Next to me you laid quiet

I heard your breathing

A smile passes my lips

As I remember your kisses

Your arms held me close

I felt secure in your embrace

Our time was short

And our parting swift

You walked me to the station

Where we shared our last kiss

The distance between us greatened

And I watched the world fly by

Thought about the love we’d found

Why we had to say Goodbye

A conflict of emotions

Confronted me that day

Although I longed to stay

I knew our love would remain

Despite the time

Despite the distance

Beyond the boundaries

Past the religion

A lesson in life was learnt

That day our hearts met

My promise to you my love

I will never forget

Charlotte Gardiner - October 2010

He Is

 He is everything to me

 The absolute embodiment of all my dreams come true

 A heart burning with raw energy

 and a passion for life

 Its the fire inside him I find so addictive

 It is that fire I now know as a need

His mind is clear and sharp

So affectionate and so cold in one moment

 A walking paradox of moods

 When he loves you, wants you

 there is nothing to be done 

only succumb to his desire

So sure of himself

so steady is his belief in his own capability

 This assurance is infectious

 For where I used to believe in God,

 now I believe in him.

 I wake up with his name on my lips

 and I go to sleep longing for his touch

 Even in my dreams I do not escape

 For in my subconscious we are together

 Perfectly together.

His whole world fascinates me

 a world full of dreams

 passions, loves and deceptions

 Yet he feels no regret

 he is untouched by guilt

 Unmoved by the pain in my heart through his rejection

I cannot hope to comprehend his reasonings

 his emotions, his logic

 Instead of repelling me as I wish it would

 it only intensifies my admiration

my obsession for his enigmatic character

 He is not as simple or as complicated as he sounds

 He is just - him.

 A beautiful mystery, a lost soul

 He seeks complete devotion from the hearts of many

 and yet is satisfied with none

 His fate I do not know

 I pray that he might be lonely

 so that he might feel the loss of my heart in his life

 however I know it will not be so

 he is somehow above such weaknesses

 A calculating machine

 I crave his attention, good or bad

 Hate myself for consciously becoming so helpless to his power

 but still I want more

 He will never be owned by one woman

 I know that, he cannot be owned

Only in my dreams he is mine

 and if I could, I would sleep forever

Charlotte Gardiner - October 2010

A Long Way Home

I lay for a long time 
The grass and earth moist beneath me 
My thoughts scamper this way and that 
Like the families of field mice hiding somewhere near 
I keep my eyes tight shut 
As I can feel the sun’s warmth fading 
For though I know it will, I don’t want to see it disappear 
My joints are becoming stiff and achy 
And I wiggle my fingers only to discover they are numb 
But still I don’t move 
My mind freezes too and pushes forward my most worrying thought 
How did I get here? 
The question echoes in the silence of creation all around me 

Once upon a time I was surrounded by familiarity 
For one brief moment my eyes came off the path 
A few thoughtless wrong turns and here I am 
Lying cold on the ground 
Like a stray animal with no home of its own 
I shiver and pull my arms around myself to retain warmth 
Though I keep my eyes closed I feel the sky darken 
And the setting sun reminds me of a feeling I once knew 
Of the steadily falling passion within myself 
Once I was bright and my heart burned with promise 
Now in the cold and harsh light of reality 
I see what it is to suffer, to be alone 
To have lost what I was most afraid of losing 
Has left an echoing hollowness in my heart 

However the nearness of sunset proclaims action in my bones 
And suddenly I open my eyes and stand up 
Inside me hope lightens my soul and I know I am not too late 
To find again the path from which I so carelessly strayed 
With the last of the sunlight behind me I gaze around 
And my breath catches in my throat 
For in the distance, far across the fields 
I see a crowd of people walking a path 
And an eagerness to join them rises inside of me 
A desire to fill this void with a higher purpose 
Although I know this journey will be long 
Finally I will not be so alone, and I will be moving forwards 
And every step will be a step nearer to that which I crave 
For one day, whether soon or distant 
I know I will reach my home again






Charlotte Gardiner - February 2010